May 6, 2009

I promise I will post about gay marriage soon but at the moment all my emotions and thoughts are with this trip. Saturday is the day.

My emotions are up and down all day. One moment I feel confident, the next I think of the distance and wonder what it would feel like to come home under the shadow of defeat. Last night I lay in bed hoping I wouldn't be lonely on the trail by myself. I even had a dream where I injured my left knee and kept pushing on anyway.

A couple days ago I sat down in Starbucks and made a list of my goals for this trip:

To be tougher - mentally, physically and spiritually. A lot of college students I know are lazy and apathetic. My generation has been babied with a sense of entitlement. Somehow it has creeped into our minds that we have earned what we have without lifting a finger to work for it. I fear I have this sense of entitlement in me and I want to get rid of it. I want to earn something I've poured my energy and heart into.

Peace. For God to bring rest to my soul.

Hope instead of anger. I've learned that an outlet for my passion doesn't have to be anger. I can learn to hope instead of despair.

To confront loneliness and fear. I have had nights where loneliness was so severe I felt claustrophobic and terrified of dying. I haven't dealt with this in about 9 months but its been a reoccurring problem since I was a kid.

To see life as poetry. Good poetry are works of art, words crafting beauty in the mind. Imagine if I saw life as beautiful and exciting as I see poetry.